"Saying Goodbye with Dignity"
Coping with the Death of a Pet

During this time of grief...
.  .  .  .may it comfort you to know that we understand your sorrow and offer our most sincere condolence.

The Five Stages of Grief

The night I lost you someone pointed me towards the Five Stages of Grief.

"Go that way, they said,   it’s easy, like learning to climb stairs after the amputation. And so I climbed." Linda Pastan

When we suffer the loss of a loved one, our family and friends are there to comfort and support us as we go through the grieving process. The death of a beloved pet can be just as devastating for some, but often others do not understand this.

Whether you are grieving or consoling others in their grief, it is important to understand that healing is a process that takes time. There are five recognized stages of Grief-Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. It is important that we allow ourselves, and others, the freedom to experience each stage at our own pace, and in our own way.

I. Denial

"When I describe your absence, here you are with me on the white sheets of Paper." Linda Pastan

After the death of a pet, it may take weeks or even months for the full extent of the loss to be realized. You come home at the end of a long day anticipating the excited welcome you have come to expect from your cherished friend. But there is no such welcome. You are greeted only by silence, and the pain of your loss stabs at your heart as you swallow hard to fight back the tears.


Tears and sorrow are a normal, healthy response to the loss of a dear friend. Don’t feel guilty or foolish for the emotions you are experiencing. Expressing your thoughts and feelings will help you to put things into perspective. Talk about your loss with other people who love animals as much as you do, or keep a written journal of your thoughts. Remembering the moments you shared with your pet can sometimes be painful, but it is the first step in the healing process.

II. Anger

"Man foretells afar the courses of the stars; the very hour He knows when they shall darken or grow bright; yet doth the eclipse of Sorrow and of Death Come unforewarned." William Cullen Bryant

Life is not fair. Events spin out of control and you are caught in the whirlwind. You feel angry, but you’re not sure at whom. You want to blame someone for the terrible loss you have suffered, but who do you blame-yourself, the Vet, the careless neighbor? Life just isn’t fair!


Anger is a natural emotion at a time of loss, but it can also be a destructive one. It is important for you to address your anger without directing it at yourself or at other people. Try not to blame yourself for the death of your pet. You loved your pet very much, and you would never have intentionally done anything to harm it. If someone else is responsible for your loss, chances are they already feel terrible about what happened. Yelling at them won’t make either one of you feel any better, but it could ruin a good relationship. How sad it would be to lose two friends

III. Bargaining

"What could I exchange for you? The silence after storms? My typing fingers ?" Linda Pastan

If only. Two powerful words! If only you could have a second chance. You would be more patient and more loving; less critical and less demanding. The hair on your clothes, the accidents on the floor, the chewed-up shoes all seem so unimportant now. You would gladly put up with these little irritants if only you could have your precious pet back with you again.


Such thoughts of regret are normal, but remember, the good times you shared with your pet far outnumber the bad. No one is perfect; we have all made mistakes. Your pet forgave you. Now you must learn to forgive yourself!

IV. Depression

"Depression came Puffing up, a poor relation its suitcase tied together with string. In the suitcase were bandages for the eyes and bottles of sleep. I slid all the way down the stairs feeling nothing. After a year I am still climbing."  Linda Pastan

The deep, aching sadness known as depression often follows closely on the heels of anger and guilt. The place in your heart and in your home that was once filled by your pet is now an empty void. The days drag on and the nights seem endless. Regular exercise, fresh air, and time spent with family or friends can help relieve stress and fill some of the lonely hours you used to share with your pet, but there are times when you wonder if you will ever feel happy again.


Although you will never forget your pet, there will come a time when the pain will be less severe, and the memories of your times together will bring joy rather than sorrow. As time passes, you will dwell less and less on your loss, and you will again look to the future.

V. Acceptance

"Each loss has its compensation, there is healing for every pain." Hezekiah Butterworth

During the grieving process, it is natural to avoid making decisions about your pet’s personal belongings. But, eventually, when the time is right, you must address this issue. Do you want to keep a special toy or blanket as a memento? What about your pet’s collar and leash? Maybe you would rather not have these painful reminders around. The choice is a highly personal one and there is no right or wrong thing to do. Do what feels best to you.


It is important for the family and friends of those going through the grieving process to remember that we all love and grieve and heal in our own way--others should not try to dictate how we express our sorrow, or minimize the pain we may be experiencing. When we suffer a loss we need to be supported and understood, not judged or condemned.

Helping Children Cope

"Well it has been said that there is no grief like the grief, which does not speak." Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

The bond between a child and his or her pet is something magical! They delight in each other’s company and give love unconditionally. When a pet dies, a young child may not understand what
has happened or why they cannot play with their pet anymore. This may be a child’s first experience with death. Some children may ask questions, some may not. They may withdraw into themselves, or they may lash out in anger and frustration. Some children may even wonder if they did something to cause their pet’s death.

Unfortunately, as we deal with our own grief, we often neglect to consider the pain and confusion of the younger members of the family. It is important that we allow our children to be a part of the grieving process. Encourage them to talk about their feelings. Answer their questions simply and honestly, giving them only as much information as they want. Allow them to comfort you. Sharing the experience can bring your family closer together in a way you may not have expected.

The Companion Pet

"A friend may well be reckoned the masterpiece of nature." Ralph Waldo Emerson

We are often amazed by the antics of dogs and cats that have grown up together, and who share a unique relationship not fully comprehended by their human family. They share a common heritage, a common language, and a common affection for one another. When one is suddenly taken away, the one left behind senses that something is wrong, but it does not really understand what has happened. It may pace the floor or anxiously roam the house in search of its lost companion. Loss of appetite and depression are not uncommon.


A little extra TLC will help to fill the void created by the sudden departure of your pet’s companion. Try not to leave him or her alone for long periods of time. Leaving a radio playing when you have to be away can ease the loneliness until you return. Going for walks in the fresh air or playing a lively game of fetch together can reduce stress and lift the spirits of you both. In time, your pet will adjust to the new situation and your relationship may be stronger than ever.

Making Choices

"Life is brief, but when it’s gone, love goes on and on." Floyd Huddleston George Bruns

I. Selecting a Final Resting Place
The most difficult decision for most people to make is what to do with their pet’s remains. Often they are unaware of their options, and the strong emotions of the moment make it difficult to choose.

The best time to plan for your pet's death is before it happens. More and more caring professionals are offering pre-need services to the public. Advance planning allows you the time you need to thoughtfully prepare for the final laying to rest of your beloved pet.

If you are faced with an immediate need, however, your veterinarian should be able to direct you toward a Pet Funeral Home that offers private cremation, burial at home, or interment in a reputable pet cemetery. Whatever choice you make, it is the right choice, so long as you feel comfortable with it.


II. Acquiring a New Pet

After suffering the loss of a much-loved pet, it is natural to have mixed emotions about acquiring a new one. You may long for the companionship of another dog or cat, but feel guilty for wanting to replace your lost one. Wanting to give your affection and devotion to another creature is nothing to feel guilty about. You know in your heart that you could never replace the pet you lost, but now you are ready for a new relationship.

Perhaps you have decided that you would rather not have another pet. That is okay too, and your friends and family should respect your wishes. They may have the best of intentions, but only you should decide when and if you want to begin again with a new pet.


Conclusion

"Happiness or unhappiness depends more on the way we meet events than on the nature of those events themselves." Author Unknown

As you progress through the five stages of grief, remember that you are not alone. Many
others have experienced the loss of a dearly loved pet, and can empathize with you. Seek out
those who share your love of animals-they can be a great source of comfort to you in your
time of need. Remain active and involved in life. The pain you are feeling now will diminish
and you will feel good again.

1992 Robin L. Lauver
Written by: Deborah Keen
Produced by Golden Lake Pet Memorial Gardens
1-800-422-1745

Permission Granted to

to post this special reading on this website

© Companion Animal Cremation Service (CACS)
210 Andersontown Road
Mechanicsburg, PA  17055
tele  717-691-0880       fax  717-691-0152
1-877-pet-cremation (1-877-738-2736)